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A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short
enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover
the essentials. (Ronald Knox)
I
do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter
on a technicality. (Bob Hope)
Thank
God I'm an atheist. (Luis Bunuel)
The
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
(George Burns)
I
am convinced that He (God) does not play dice. (Albert Einstein)
Relations
A
lot of people would rather tour sewers than visit their
cousins. (Jane Howard)
Santa
Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
Science,
Technology
Everybody
talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about
it. (Charles D. Warner)
There
are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
(Benjamin Disraeli)
The
scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell)
Biologically
speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be
female. (Desmond Morris)
To
err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
(Paul Ehrlich)
All
the modern inconveniences ... (Mark Twain)
This
is the greatest week in the history of the world since the
creation. (Richard Nixon's overstatement on man's first
moon landing July 24 1969)
Social
Behaviour
Be
awfully nice to them going up, because you're going to meet
them all coming down. (Jimmy Durante)
Always
be sincere, even if you don't mean it. (Harry S. Truman)
There
is only one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him.
If he says 'yes' he's not honest. (Groucho Marx)
Clothes
make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society. (Mark Twain)
A
lie can travel half way around the world while the truth
is just putting on its shoes. (Mark Twain)
When
I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
(Mae West)
Between
two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. (Mae
West)
I
once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee
at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
(Mark Twain)
It
is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course
you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
Always
acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority
off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark
Twain)
When
you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston
Churchill)
I
am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. (W.C.
Fields)
I've
had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
Giving
up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because
I've done it thousands of times. (Mark Twain)
I
don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as
a member. (Groucho Marx)
Those
are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others."
(Groucho Marx)
All
the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or
fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
A
man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself
a liar. (Mark Twain)
Denial
ain't just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)
There
is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet,
incoming traffic has the right of way. (Hugh Leonard)
Don't
tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly,
don't tell them where they know the fish. (Mark Twain)
In
my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a
girl; now you can't say 'girl.' (Tom Lehrer)
Few
things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a
good example. (Mark Twain)
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs. (Rudyard Kipling)
Funny
quotes Pages
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